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Love and hate!| | I love my kids. Please don't misread this blog. There are many, many days I sit and stare at them, amazed at their beauty, intelligence, charisma, adorable nature, etc. Those are the days I smile and go about my day until bedtime . . . this is not one of those days. This is a day that is so messed up in my mind, the only way to get it out and make sense of it is to blog. So, I hope none of my friends think I am depressed or anything, it is just a way for me to vent. So, with that disclaimer of the way, here is my dilemma.
I love my kids. I hate my job. I work all day managing 2 individuals who are selfish, needy, are for the most part ungrateful, and have absolutely no desire to make my life any easier. Granted, they are 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 - it is in their nature to believe the world revolves around them. Most psychologists say that they are incapable of understanding that their Mommy has needs, too. So, I do not blame them - at least not consciously. However, my pent up anger toward them at the end of the day says that maybe I do. But, that is a sidenote. My main comment here is that I have the worst job on the planet. I get paid nothing - absolutely nothing. While my job duties are the very things I hate most - cleaning toilets and showers, changing diapers, doing laundry, dishes, scrubbing floors, literal backbreaking work, with no pay, no thanks from my kids (the ones I sacrifice all day for), and no breaks - NONE. Not even to poop. My bathroom breaks consist of my kids falling off something (Murphy's Law applies very strongly in my life, in that at the time I most need time alone, something dreadful will happen that requires my immediate attention), or my son crying outside the bathroom door, or my daughter "I have to go potty" - therefore forcing me to cut short my quick time alone (maybe one minute) and attend to my children. My job requires I be on duty or on call 24 hours per day. I second guess everything I do because I'm sure my kids will spend hours in counseling for something I choose to do (such as spanking or not) - you see?
My days sound like this: "No Amelia; stop taking toys from your brother; stay where I can see you (when we are out); STOP - don't run out in the street; One . . . Two . . . Three - Timeout!; You need to try to go potty - YES you do, you're dancing; LIAM - sit down; get off the table; Seriously, do you have to fall ALL THE TIME?; OMG do you have a poopy again?
Sigh. And it goes on. All day. Every day. YES, you do have to eat your dinner - take a bite - eat at least half. Stop whining - I need to see a happy face, happy heart. No movies before lunchtime. Play with your brother! LIAM - get down from there! Amelia, Go Play!!! Get out of the kitchen - I'm cooking. Seriously, no crying now - what are you even crying about (don't you know how good you have it???).
And finally, by the end of the day, I just can't wait for Brian to get home. Really - I have NO IDEA how people do this. If I try to stay home, my kids get stir-crazy. So, my goal is to have at least one planned activity for them daily. However, once we get to our destination (Jump Zone, the Park, Aspire gym, etc) I have the hardest time supervising both of them! For instance, tonight we went to Chuck E Cheese for a kids' bday party. Until my hubby showed up, I had the kids for 15 minutes - Amelia desparately wanted to go play on the games before the official bday party began (of course - and she should be able to, I feel!), but I'd carried Liam around for 5 minutes already and he wanted down - most of you know how heavy a 25+ lb kid can be when they don't want to be carried! - so I put him down. Well, he was off, so my job was to follow him around, which doomed Amelia to following me around. That made 1 of us happy and 2 of us miserable, which I'm finding is usually the case! When Brian showed up, I handed off Liam and took Amelia around. 2 Parents, 2 kids - I absolutely cannot imagine any more kids! I literally could NOT do it! Again - a sidenote. Also - how fair is that to my hubby who works all day to be literally baptized into the fussy children as soon as he gets around his family. Sigh - another failure on my part.
So, tomorrow I'm dreading for the same reason - I have NO IDEA how people do this - Amelia's gymnastics facility is having an "Open Gym" for all kids tomorrow. "How Fun" says I. The only rule is that each kid under 5 be supervised by an adult. So, I plan for weeks to go - now I have no idea how I'm going to follow Liam around AND make sure Amelia doesn't die on the uneven bars or get kidnapped while I'm chasing my youngest. So, stay home, right? Well, then I spend all day listening to my kids whine and complain b/c they are stircrazy from being inside all day.
So, all this aside. I cannot and do not want to do this. One part of my says that a Mom's place is at home. That this is the most noble thing I can do. I hate that I've failed so miserably at it, but it is time to run for my life. Run for the shred of self-confidence I have left. Run for any remaining piece of Michele is left buried under the rubble of the last 4 years.
I sat down the other day and weighed out 2 very different futures: One where I have the 6 kids I set out to have, and the other where I become a lawyer. Five years from now, this is what I saw . . .
In the first scenario, I am on my 4th child. I am dressed in a t-shirt with stains (they all have them now & we can't afford clothes for the stay-at-home-mom who doesn't need them). I feel out of control, spending many hours trying to figure out how to gain some control over what was left of my life, trying to budget so we could eat cheaply enough to feed our brood while placing the unnecessary burden on my hubby to be successful enough for the both of us, spending hours cooking, packing lunches, talking "baby talk", "reasoning" (and I use that term lightly) with my small children, breastfeeding, chasing little ones, listening to arguing over blankeys, movies, hearing "watch me!" and hearing "WHY?" all day - all I want to say is, "Yeah - WATCH ME!" and "WHY Me???" all day.
In the second scenario, I'm only out of law school for a short while, so I've started at the bottom. I am dressed in a button-down blouse, business slacks, heels, and my hair is up. I look professional and confident. Even though I have never known anything about any of the 3 fields I have gone into before retiring to stay at home with my kids, I have always felt confident and in control while at work. My mind works very quickly, and I am an excellent problem-solver. My bosses and their bosses are always very impressed with me and my work and I get promoted and complimented almost daily. Contrast this to my 3 1/2 year old who thinks I don't know what color her socks are, and btw refuses to go pee-pee on the potty anymore, forcing me to wash her stinky clothes and "deal" with her obstinence. Sorry - sidenote. I saw myself leaning into someone else's office, requesting a file on such-and-such client.
Even though I was at the bottom of the ladder doing go-fer work, I was so much happier and more content in the second scenario. That is when I decided that this is not for me. Even though my dream is of a big family - I am not a happy stay-at-home Mommy. I don't feel I'm good at it. I hate it. I hate all the scrimping and saving, pee and poop clean-up, cooking and maidwork, and lack of adult conversation and brain usage. I hate the lack of control over my own time. I hate my pay (or lack thereof) and the guilt I feel for wanting so desparately to go on a shopping spree. The guilt I feel for wanting to buy organic food, but knowing we can't afford the luxury. The guilt I feel for the anger and resentment I have toward my kids for making my life so damned difficult.
OK - the deal is I've been drinking wine this whole time & am getting very loose with my comments. It's time to wrap it up. My final comment is: Kuddos to the Moms out there who can stay at home with their growing brood. Gratz to the Mommies to love their lives and always have a willing smile for their deserving husbands.
And finally: Look out Law School - here I come!!! If accepted, I will attend UofA in August 2010, looking to graduate with my Juris Doctorate in May 2013. I have placed my necessary study books on my Amazon wishlist so I will be prepared to take the LSATs in June of next year. I am moving on with my life. No more dreams of "soccer mom" and possibly "homeschooling mom" for me. No minivans, big family reunions, dozens of grandkids . . . it's time for the snippy-snip and the much anticipated dream career for me - literally, what I've always thought and knew I would become: a lawyer. Bring on the lawyer jokes - I can take 'em  Just don't give me another year of my no-hope, poop-filled, lose myself in desparation life.
Love to all who made it this far - I know it was a long and slightly depressing blog. But I had to get it out somewhere, and I hate to burden my hubby with all this.
Love to all and goodnight!!!
| | | Posted 11/20/2008 9:50 PM - 86 Views - 8 eProps - 12 comments
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and a wonderful listener . . . hey! you should go into counseling 
I really do want to tell you that you have not failed motherhood, however. You used the word "failed" several times. Motherhood doesn't hold the same evaluation standards that school or work holds. There is no pass or fail. There is survival and there is joy. I use the word joy because joy is a word often used for an individual's ability to have happiness even when life is a mess and even when things don't work out the way you wish they would. Joy is talked about 165 times in the Bible. It is the ability to find happiness in the disasters we encounter and to persevere beyond our means. I'm not saying this to be "preachy" or to change your mind on your desire to get your law degree. My all means I think you will be an excellent lawyer. But while you are in the limbo period waiting until you become a lawyer don't call yourself a failure. You are one of the best mothers I know! You do so much for your kids and I admire you and look up to you. I give you an A+!
Ps...I secretly want you to be a lawyer cause I think we can pass services back and forth...lol!