| | I'm reading a book right now called Captivating. It is the female counterpart to the Wild at Heart books that were popular a few years back. I am spellbound by it. First of all, it sets out to discover the secrets to a woman's soul. Umm . . . not my kind of book - I'm more of a 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the One-Minute Manager kind of gal. However, it was recommended to me by a couple of people, and something about the cover intrigued me. The picture of a woman with a long skirt, hair blown back in the breeze, walking through a meadow and heading toward what looked like a castle. Something stirred in me and I picked up the book and began reading.
First of all, it has caused a complete paradigm shift in my thinking toward femininity in general. I have always seen women as an afterthought - created after man to "help" him out, but seemingly not necessary. Paul says in the new testament that we should not marry unless we absolutely must to keep ourselves pure. In other words - men stay away from women, they are not needed and are only trouble. This book starts off with the creation of Eve, saying she was God's "crescendo" - also calling her His greatest creation. He started in very broad strokes with light and dark, then became more and more intricate as he moved from water and land to vegetation, to animals, then ending with the image of Himself in Adam. Finishing Adam saying for the first time "it is not good for man to be alone" - then he created woman. In this book, the woman is the other half of God - the part that is relational to the core, who is beautiful, inviting, tender, and even vulnerable. These words and more are used to describe woman.
These words create an instant negative response in me. I have always seen and believed that the words "tender" and "vulnerable" and "emotional" are areas of weakness - areas where one can be controlled, and ultimately hurt. I am beginning to see that these are flawed images in my mind, most likely stemming from my broken family. In retrospect, I saw a number of fathers come and go, hurting my mother so deeply. I think part of me made a little deal with myself to never let that happen to me. How? Well, by always expecting my husband to leave, that way when he finally did he'd be proving me right & not take me off guard. To never let anyone see my vulnerabilities so that they could not penetrate my defenses and hurt me unexpectedly. Especially men. To become more man-like, so I'm in control of my own destiny. To the little girl that was me, the man did the leaving, the woman was left hurting. It seemed reasonable that if I became more man-like, I would not be the one left crying. And I am beginning to realize how incredibly much that has hurt my marriage today. My husband is the most incredible man I have ever met - to me and to my children. I have guarded my heart to the point where I do not let him in at all - at least not far enough to really tear me apart if (when) he leaves. What a miserable way to live. I have a lot to learn about being in a relationship.
Next. Another amazing shift is the realization that girls are born with inherent needs. 3 in particular that this book points out - 1) To be romanced, 2) To play an irreplaceable part in a shared adventure, and 3) to unveil beauty. We are desperately crying out "Am I lovely?" This all comes down to: A woman is relational and is looking for someone to share this journey with. A woman wants to play an irreplaceable part in someone's life, participating in activities and adventures together that only she could do. And a woman wants to be found beautiful - we all want to twirl our skirts and catch the admiring gazes of those around us. This may not be news to anyone, but what I always thought was that we were supposed to outgrow these "needy" desires. That in the real world, we have to be tough, critical, guarded, strong, manly even. What this book says is that this is not our place as women - that it is OK to WANT to be beautiful. I know this is not a big realization for anyone but me, but I saw/see my place in this house as a certain number of roles. Mainly I am to keep my house clean for my family. I am to cook and plan events and dinners and any vacations for our family. I am to carpool, look pretty for my husband, but mainly I have lists in my head at all times that keep me from asking myself what I truly want to do - for instance, I often think in the shower: I would like to put on a facial mask or shave my legs. 90% of the time I decide that I do not have the time for those things, that I must get to my responsibilities. I get out of the shower and towel-dry my hair, but do not take time for make-up or actually styling my hair for the same reason - I see these as luxuries. They are not "allowed" until I'm met the bare necessities of my day: cleaning the kitchen, feeding my kids, dressing them, and starting the laundry. Once at LEAST those things are done, I allow myself to put on make-up, if it's not time for lunch or the next item on my to-do list. Most of the time if someone sees me in make-up, it was applied in the car. Mainly because my "need" for beauty was seen (by me) as a weakness and a waste of time.
Today, I told myself "It's OK to WANT to be beautiful." This was an amazing thing to say to myself. I cut my bangs (which I've complained about for over 6 wks but never took the time to fix), took off very old nail polish, shaved my legs, and styled my hair. It was a total of about 5 - 10 minutes, but it was a time I allowed myself to be fully woman. Something I don't know the last time I've done. Usually if I do those things, it has a purpose - intimacy with my husband or a public event that I need to look nice for my hubby, etc. Even then, I see it as a waste of time.
I told myself, "It's OK to be relational." I spent 2 full hours playing with my kids. As a stay-at-home Mom, you'd think I'd make time to do this often, but I truly don't remember the last time I ALLOWED myself to enjoy my kids. How sad is that??? I'm realizing my little girl is asking the very same question that all little girls (and women) ask: "Am I Lovely?" - and the answer is overwhelmingly "go play - Mommy's doing the dishes." What a very sad thing I am doing to my daughter. What a very sad cycle I am playing into. And my son is asking the question all boys ask "Do I Have What It Takes?" and I am sending him to Amelia's room to play with Legos so I can put on a load of laundry. Or worse, putting them both in front of a movie so I can pay bills and fold laundry. Shame on me!
This book has been phenomenal for me. I've only read about 4 chapters, but I will probably finish it withing the week. I would recommend it for any woman, even if you don't struggle with your self-worth (but who of us doesn't?). I would recommend it for every man so you can BEGIN to understand the true worth of a woman. I know I am truly just scratching the surface. It will be a long time before I can look past my initial feelings that women were an afterthought in God's creation. That I am often a distraction for my husband from his true dreams. That he will eventually uncover the truth that I am not lovely and have nothing to offer, and that he will (and should) eventually leave me. I am beginning to see these for the lies that they are, but it will be a long time before my heart catches up to my head.
Just had to get all that off my chest before I could sleep. Goodnight!
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| | Posted 12/3/2008 11:55 PM - 43 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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I love being a woman. and I always stand by the part in the Bible where God looks at Adam and says, "yeah... this isn't good" and then he makes woman. What can I say? Men need us!! BWUHAHAHAHAH!
Oh I love being a woman...My dream is for my life to be a fairytale. I already have the handsome prince...I just need a castle and a white horse...lol!
LOVE YOU!