MicheleSage's Xanga

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES!

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:54:25 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/crime/2009/02/11/dnt.castration.proposal.wvtm.html

It's about friggin' time!

Time for some good news!

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:22:14 GMT

This teared me up a little:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/02/05/aa.teen.hero.kctv

I'm wiser now . . . I'm in my 30s

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:39:22 GMT

At least this is what I keep telling myself!

I am an average, everyday mother of two. By average, I mean married with two kids, a cat, a car, a truck, a house with a second mortgage on it. I am privileged to stay at home with my kids, although not without some skimping and saving. I am always trying to find ways to save a buck, from cooking breakfast-for-dinner to babysitting co-ops. Speaking of average: brown hair, brown eyes, 5' 7" & "healthy" weight range. I have a gym membership I seldom use, and I think I could stand to lose 10 lbs. Doesn't this describe so many women?

I turned 30 last weekend. So far, I've dedicated myself to not letting a moment slip away. I play with my kids more, sleep much more, take care of myself before worrying about tidying the house, and get in a few belly laughs a day. My thirties so far have been phenomenal. We'll see if my hubby agrees as the dishes pile high and the laundry has started to let off a moldy smell . . .

Speaking of turning 30, I had a wonderful surprise party thrown by my hubby and attended by some of my closest friends. I was completely blown away; my sweet husband had packed out our in-law's condo at a nearby town known for its entertainment and shopping. I was expecting 2 - 3 friends and maybe their hubbies. I got 2 of my best friends & their hubbies, 2 of my best friends from my hometown & significant other, and a neighbor couple we've gotten to know and love over the last year. It was phenomenal.

On that note: I found out all my friends are liars. I guess when one wants to keep something a surprise, it's OK to boldface lie to loved ones. Hmm . . . . Actually, I loved it. Thanks all!

This paragraph is filled with the boring details of my birthday weekend. Skip it if you want. Brian and I dropped our kids off in the early afternoon on Saturday (my actual birthday). YES - this weekend was sans kids! We drove to the entertainment destination via a different route than we usually take, which was fun. We relaxed and unpacked at the condo for an hour. We decided to go out to eat, where voila - all my friends were waiting at a wonderful hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant! I was blown away and probably ran off most of their patrons with my squeals of glee. It was fabulous. We all piled into a couple of cars and drove to the condo to unpack and decide where the birthday girl - ME - wanted to go for the rest of the night. Well . . . there was this fabulous piano bar within walking distance that I had yet to go to, so off we trekked. This venue is known for calling whomever may be the stars of the night (bachelorette party gals, birthday girls, etc) to the stage and singing raunchy songs to/about them. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a glutton for any sort of attention that might be lavished on me . . . needless to say, I loved it! Some songs were sung, some drinks were had. Overall, we were tasteful but relaxed, fun, and outgoing. When reviewing the pictures, I could see that in every one of them I was smiling and singing. So, even in retrospect and in the (bright) light of day, I could tell we were all enjoying ourselves.

So, in my 30s, I plan to continue sleeping, taking care of myself, and loving every moment with my young children and hard-working husband.

THE ANSWER to Today's Economical Problems

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 02:41:41 GMT

I have the answer to today's economic problems. What do you think of my new favorite video? Haven't seen it? Then, See it NOW:
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/dont-buy-stuff/27169/

New Pics!

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 05:56:23 GMT

Hey all! I'm up uber-late posting new pics Check 'em out when you get the chance!

Captivating

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 04:55:35 GMT

I'm reading a book right now called Captivating. It is the female counterpart to the Wild at Heart books that were popular a few years back. I am spellbound by it. First of all, it sets out to discover the secrets to a woman's soul. Umm . . . not my kind of book - I'm more of a 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the One-Minute Manager kind of gal. However, it was recommended to me by a couple of people, and something about the cover intrigued me. The picture of a woman with a long skirt, hair blown back in the breeze, walking through a meadow and heading toward what looked like a castle. Something stirred in me and I picked up the book and began reading.

First of all, it has caused a complete paradigm shift in my thinking toward femininity in general. I have always seen women as an afterthought - created after man to "help" him out, but seemingly not necessary. Paul says in the new testament that we should not marry unless we absolutely must to keep ourselves pure. In other words - men stay away from women, they are not needed and are only trouble. This book starts off with the creation of Eve, saying she was God's "crescendo" - also calling her His greatest creation. He started in very broad strokes with light and dark, then became more and more intricate as he moved from water and land to vegetation, to animals, then ending with the image of Himself in Adam. Finishing Adam saying for the first time "it is not good for man to be alone" - then he created woman. In this book, the woman is the other half of God - the part that is relational to the core, who is beautiful, inviting, tender, and even vulnerable. These words and more are used to describe woman.

These words create an instant negative response in me. I have always seen and believed that the words "tender" and "vulnerable" and "emotional" are areas of weakness - areas where one can be controlled, and ultimately hurt. I am beginning to see that these are flawed images in my mind, most likely stemming from my broken family. In retrospect, I saw a number of fathers come and go, hurting my mother so deeply. I think part of me made a little deal with myself to never let that happen to me. How? Well, by always expecting my husband to leave, that way when he finally did he'd be proving me right & not take me off guard. To never let anyone see my vulnerabilities so that they could not penetrate my defenses and hurt me unexpectedly. Especially men. To become more man-like, so I'm in control of my own destiny. To the little girl that was me, the man did the leaving, the woman was left hurting. It seemed reasonable that if I became more man-like, I would not be the one left crying. And I am beginning to realize how incredibly much that has hurt my marriage today. My husband is the most incredible man I have ever met - to me and to my children. I have guarded my heart to the point where I do not let him in at all - at least not far enough to really tear me apart if (when) he leaves. What a miserable way to live. I have a lot to learn about being in a relationship.

Next. Another amazing shift is the realization that girls are born with inherent needs. 3 in particular that this book points out - 1) To be romanced, 2) To play an irreplaceable part in a shared adventure, and 3) to unveil beauty. We are desperately crying out "Am I lovely?" This all comes down to: A woman is relational and is looking for someone to share this journey with. A woman wants to play an irreplaceable part in someone's life, participating in activities and adventures together that only she could do. And a woman wants to be found beautiful - we all want to twirl our skirts and catch the admiring gazes of those around us. This may not be news to anyone, but what I always thought was that we were supposed to outgrow these "needy" desires. That in the real world, we have to be tough, critical, guarded, strong, manly even. What this book says is that this is not our place as women - that it is OK to WANT to be beautiful. I know this is not a big realization for anyone but me, but I saw/see my place in this house as a certain number of roles. Mainly I am to keep my house clean for my family. I am to cook and plan events and dinners and any vacations for our family. I am to carpool, look pretty for my husband, but mainly I have lists in my head at all times that keep me from asking myself what I truly want to do - for instance, I often think in the shower: I would like to put on a facial mask or shave my legs. 90% of the time I decide that I do not have the time for those things, that I must get to my responsibilities. I get out of the shower and towel-dry my hair, but do not take time for make-up or actually styling my hair for the same reason - I see these as luxuries. They are not "allowed" until I'm met the bare necessities of my day: cleaning the kitchen, feeding my kids, dressing them, and starting the laundry. Once at LEAST those things are done, I allow myself to put on make-up, if it's not time for lunch or the next item on my to-do list. Most of the time if someone sees me in make-up, it was applied in the car. Mainly because my "need" for beauty was seen (by me) as a weakness and a waste of time.

Today, I told myself "It's OK to WANT to be beautiful." This was an amazing thing to say to myself. I cut my bangs (which I've complained about for over 6 wks but never took the time to fix), took off very old nail polish, shaved my legs, and styled my hair. It was a total of about 5 - 10 minutes, but it was a time I allowed myself to be fully woman. Something I don't know the last time I've done. Usually if I do those things, it has a purpose - intimacy with my husband or a public event that I need to look nice for my hubby, etc. Even then, I see it as a waste of time.

I told myself, "It's OK to be relational." I spent 2 full hours playing with my kids. As a stay-at-home Mom, you'd think I'd make time to do this often, but I truly don't remember the last time I ALLOWED myself to enjoy my kids. How sad is that??? I'm realizing my little girl is asking the very same question that all little girls (and women) ask: "Am I Lovely?" - and the answer is overwhelmingly "go play - Mommy's doing the dishes." What a very sad thing I am doing to my daughter. What a very sad cycle I am playing into. And my son is asking the question all boys ask "Do I Have What It Takes?" and I am sending him to Amelia's room to play with Legos so I can put on a load of laundry. Or worse, putting them both in front of a movie so I can pay bills and fold laundry. Shame on me!

This book has been phenomenal for me. I've only read about 4 chapters, but I will probably finish it withing the week. I would recommend it for any woman, even if you don't struggle with your self-worth (but who of us doesn't?). I would recommend it for every man so you can BEGIN to understand the true worth of a woman. I know I am truly just scratching the surface. It will be a long time before I can look past my initial feelings that women were an afterthought in God's creation. That I am often a distraction for my husband from his true dreams. That he will eventually uncover the truth that I am not lovely and have nothing to offer, and that he will (and should) eventually leave me. I am beginning to see these for the lies that they are, but it will be a long time before my heart catches up to my head.

Just had to get all that off my chest before I could sleep. Goodnight!

Love and hate!

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:50:17 GMT

I love my kids. Please don't misread this blog. There are many, many days I sit and stare at them, amazed at their beauty, intelligence, charisma, adorable nature, etc. Those are the days I smile and go about my day until bedtime . . . this is not one of those days. This is a day that is so messed up in my mind, the only way to get it out and make sense of it is to blog. So, I hope none of my friends think I am depressed or anything, it is just a way for me to vent. So, with that disclaimer of the way, here is my dilemma.

I love my kids. I hate my job. I work all day managing 2 individuals who are selfish, needy, are for the most part ungrateful, and have absolutely no desire to make my life any easier. Granted, they are 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 - it is in their nature to believe the world revolves around them. Most psychologists say that they are incapable of understanding that their Mommy has needs, too. So, I do not blame them - at least not consciously. However, my pent up anger toward them at the end of the day says that maybe I do. But, that is a sidenote. My main comment here is that I have the worst job on the planet. I get paid nothing - absolutely nothing. While my job duties are the very things I hate most - cleaning toilets and showers, changing diapers, doing laundry, dishes, scrubbing floors, literal backbreaking work, with no pay, no thanks from my kids (the ones I sacrifice all day for), and no breaks - NONE. Not even to poop. My bathroom breaks consist of my kids falling off something (Murphy's Law applies very strongly in my life, in that at the time I most need time alone, something dreadful will happen that requires my immediate attention), or my son crying outside the bathroom door, or my daughter "I have to go potty" - therefore forcing me to cut short my quick time alone (maybe one minute) and attend to my children. My job requires I be on duty or on call 24 hours per day. I second guess everything I do because I'm sure my kids will spend hours in counseling for something I choose to do (such as spanking or not) - you see?

My days sound like this: "No Amelia; stop taking toys from your brother; stay where I can see you (when we are out); STOP - don't run out in the street; One . . . Two . . . Three - Timeout!; You need to try to go potty - YES you do, you're dancing; LIAM - sit down; get off the table; Seriously, do you have to fall ALL THE TIME?; OMG do you have a poopy again?

Sigh. And it goes on. All day. Every day. YES, you do have to eat your dinner - take a bite - eat at least half. Stop whining - I need to see a happy face, happy heart. No movies before lunchtime. Play with your brother! LIAM - get down from there! Amelia, Go Play!!! Get out of the kitchen - I'm cooking. Seriously, no crying now - what are you even crying about (don't you know how good you have it???).

And finally, by the end of the day, I just can't wait for Brian to get home. Really - I have NO IDEA how people do this. If I try to stay home, my kids get stir-crazy. So, my goal is to have at least one planned activity for them daily. However, once we get to our destination (Jump Zone, the Park, Aspire gym, etc) I have the hardest time supervising both of them! For instance, tonight we went to Chuck E Cheese for a kids' bday party. Until my hubby showed up, I had the kids for 15 minutes - Amelia desparately wanted to go play on the games before the official bday party began (of course - and she should be able to, I feel!), but I'd carried Liam around for 5 minutes already and he wanted down - most of you know how heavy a 25+ lb kid can be when they don't want to be carried! - so I put him down. Well, he was off, so my job was to follow him around, which doomed Amelia to following me around. That made 1 of us happy and 2 of us miserable, which I'm finding is usually the case! When Brian showed up, I handed off Liam and took Amelia around. 2 Parents, 2 kids - I absolutely cannot imagine any more kids! I literally could NOT do it! Again - a sidenote. Also - how fair is that to my hubby who works all day to be literally baptized into the fussy children as soon as he gets around his family. Sigh - another failure on my part.

So, tomorrow I'm dreading for the same reason - I have NO IDEA how people do this - Amelia's gymnastics facility is having an "Open Gym" for all kids tomorrow. "How Fun" says I. The only rule is that each kid under 5 be supervised by an adult. So, I plan for weeks to go - now I have no idea how I'm going to follow Liam around AND make sure Amelia doesn't die on the uneven bars or get kidnapped while I'm chasing my youngest. So, stay home, right? Well, then I spend all day listening to my kids whine and complain b/c they are stircrazy from being inside all day.

So, all this aside. I cannot and do not want to do this. One part of my says that a Mom's place is at home. That this is the most noble thing I can do. I hate that I've failed so miserably at it, but it is time to run for my life. Run for the shred of self-confidence I have left. Run for any remaining piece of Michele is left buried under the rubble of the last 4 years.

I sat down the other day and weighed out 2 very different futures: One where I have the 6 kids I set out to have, and the other where I become a lawyer. Five years from now, this is what I saw . . .

In the first scenario, I am on my 4th child. I am dressed in a t-shirt with stains (they all have them now & we can't afford clothes for the stay-at-home-mom who doesn't need them). I feel out of control, spending many hours trying to figure out how to gain some control over what was left of my life, trying to budget so we could eat cheaply enough to feed our brood while placing the unnecessary burden on my hubby to be successful enough for the both of us, spending hours cooking, packing lunches, talking "baby talk", "reasoning" (and I use that term lightly) with my small children, breastfeeding, chasing little ones, listening to arguing over blankeys, movies, hearing "watch me!" and hearing "WHY?" all day - all I want to say is, "Yeah - WATCH ME!" and "WHY Me???" all day.

In the second scenario, I'm only out of law school for a short while, so I've started at the bottom. I am dressed in a button-down blouse, business slacks, heels, and my hair is up. I look professional and confident. Even though I have never known anything about any of the 3 fields I have gone into before retiring to stay at home with my kids, I have always felt confident and in control while at work. My mind works very quickly, and I am an excellent problem-solver. My bosses and their bosses are always very impressed with me and my work and I get promoted and complimented almost daily. Contrast this to my 3 1/2 year old who thinks I don't know what color her socks are, and btw refuses to go pee-pee on the potty anymore, forcing me to wash her stinky clothes and "deal" with her obstinence. Sorry - sidenote. I saw myself leaning into someone else's office, requesting a file on such-and-such client.

Even though I was at the bottom of the ladder doing go-fer work, I was so much happier and more content in the second scenario. That is when I decided that this is not for me. Even though my dream is of a big family - I am not a happy stay-at-home Mommy. I don't feel I'm good at it. I hate it. I hate all the scrimping and saving, pee and poop clean-up, cooking and maidwork, and lack of adult conversation and brain usage. I hate the lack of control over my own time. I hate my pay (or lack thereof) and the guilt I feel for wanting so desparately to go on a shopping spree. The guilt I feel for wanting to buy organic food, but knowing we can't afford the luxury. The guilt I feel for the anger and resentment I have toward my kids for making my life so damned difficult.

OK - the deal is I've been drinking wine this whole time & am getting very loose with my comments. It's time to wrap it up. My final comment is: Kuddos to the Moms out there who can stay at home with their growing brood. Gratz to the Mommies to love their lives and always have a willing smile for their deserving husbands.
And finally: Look out Law School - here I come!!! If accepted, I will attend UofA in August 2010, looking to graduate with my Juris Doctorate in May 2013. I have placed my necessary study books on my Amazon wishlist so I will be prepared to take the LSATs in June of next year. I am moving on with my life. No more dreams of "soccer mom" and possibly "homeschooling mom" for me. No minivans, big family reunions, dozens of grandkids . . . it's time for the snippy-snip and the much anticipated dream career for me - literally, what I've always thought and knew I would become: a lawyer. Bring on the lawyer jokes - I can take 'em Just don't give me another year of my no-hope, poop-filled, lose myself in desparation life.

Love to all who made it this far - I know it was a long and slightly depressing blog. But I had to get it out somewhere, and I hate to burden my hubby with all this.

Love to all and goodnight!!!

OMFG - ROFLOL

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 02:02:55 GMT

Watch this only if you want to die laughing & say OMG. My jaw still hurts from being on the ground - tell it like it is black guy . . . love it or leave it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjo85WhbYqM&eurl=http://www.razorpress.com/index.php/everyday-life/liberal-power/

I think I'm going nuts

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:27:55 GMT

One minute I'm happy as can be, dancing around the house, singing silly kid's songs. The next minute I'm depressed, stuffing my face, and suicidal - taking my anger/depression out on anyone and anything that walks! I have been touchy with EVERYONE and feeling like a friggin victim all too often. I called to change my bc pills (I'm on Yaz) since it started about a week after I started the new pills. However, if I've hurt you or anyone you know lately, I'm sorry - I'm trying to get myself under control!!! For the record, it's not any easier being the one yelling - I know that what I'm saying isn't rational, but for some reason, can't stop myself from saying/feeling these things. I feel like screaming, hitting, driving fast, etc - you'd think I'm on testosterone!!!

Love to all!

By the way - DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!!!!!!

New Videos!

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 03:19:44 GMT

I uploaded 5 New Videos!!! Check them out under my Videos tab!!! Leave me comments and tell me how much you love them! I know - I'm shamelessly in love with my kiddos. I'm definitely their biggest fan!

Goodnight!